Fear and Loathing in the Comfort Zone

We all fear something: spiders, snakes, heights, public speaking, every nightmare-inducing clown from Bozo to Pennywise. These are common, tangible fears. But what about our deeper fears? Fears we sometimes don’t even know about until they wiggle away just slightly from the tight embrace of our controlling ego to break through, offering a peek at our vulnerabilities. These are the ones that keep us clinging to our safe place, hiding, and hoping no one will see us or judge us. They keep us from taking risks, seizing opportunities, actualizing ideas. They keep us from embracing who we really are, from growth and potential. This is the story about me meeting my deepest fear, staring it down, and kicking its ass.

It was 2017, I’m surrounded by twenty of my most outgoing peers, nearing the end of a grueling but energizing week of training the trainers for an upcoming multi-day manager development course. Soon we would be released into the company’s high-tech jungle to inspire over 1000 people managers.

I was sitting in awe watching the lead trainer dressed in edgy business casual – black blouse, blue jeans, and peekaboo tattoos – demonstrate how to tie together the course learnings into a hyper charged, fast talking, auctioneer style training wrap up. Pointing at audience members, encouraging them to call out key facts and experiences. Melanie had this Brené Brown quality: part professor, part cool girl, totally at ease with her relatable imperfections.

Her spectacular performance sparked an idea that I could not get out of my head. What if the wrap up was, wait…. for…. it,……… actually a rap? It was so clearly obvious. It would be engaging, effective, surprising, and funny all at once.

I had zero intention of performing it myself. I was the idea woman. I convinced myself, if I write it, they will perform it. The fact that I had never written a rap, a song of any sort, or even a poem for that matter, did not faze me. Eternal optimism has its upside. So, I set out to write a rap song. How hard could it be?

I’ll spare you the numerous drafts, the comical images of me trying to mimic Kendrick Lamar, Drake, Jay-Z, and even classic Beastie Boys. You gotta fight for your right to Mannnnaaage. (Did you sing that with me? If not, go back now and try it. Really. It’s fun.) Looking for inspiration, I kept coming back to “Lose Yourself” by Eminem.

You better lose yourself in the music, the moment
You own it, you better never let it go
You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow
This opportunity comes once in a lifetime 
You better

You can do anything you set your mind to, man

I got hooked on the poetic rhythm and cadence, losing myself in the music, my beginner mind counting beats and making up simple rhymes.

Teaming is a verb, who knew?

My IP just grew!

High performing teams run True Blue

I did not quit my day job, but I did I discover I was a halfway decent amateur creative writer. At last, I had my rap. Excitedly, I shared it with several of my peer trainers, taking guesses at who would perform it first. Some of you realists may not be surprised at what happened next. People loved it but no way in hell were they going to do it. (That’s a literal quote.) I was all alone, just me and my rap vision.

I was invested in this rap. I could not give it up, along with my chance to see the mesmerized audience shocked at the experience of their musically challenged, middle-aged trainer embracing her inner rapper. There was only one problem: I was scared shitless. The paralyzing kind of scared with side effects like tremors, dry mouth, and more hot flashes than an Oprah book club meeting.

I could not do it. I wanted to, desperately. How could I be fully confident to teach a class but terrified of performing a silly rap song to the same class I’d just spent two days getting to know? I was baffled, until it hit me hard: I was afraid of sharing my creative self with others for fear of being rejected. My truth was out.. It was a moment of enlightenment. I saw the light up ahead and realized the dark cave that trapped my soul. And I got pissed. Really pissed. How could fear have so much control of my life? I made a commitment right then and there to myself: No more. I was going to face this one head on and fight my way through it one punch at a time. Let’s get ready to rumble.

Round 1: Word of my rap leaked out to my team. Being wonderfully supportive people, they encouraged me to practice in our staff meeting. This was the first time sharing the rap in front of humans. (My dog thought I was great; she can sniff out talent… among other things.) I had to sit down and all I could muster was a spoken word delivery, shaking nervously and pausing for deep breaths to help regain some level of composure. 

Round 2: Time for the real audience. I told myself “You just have to do it. Get through it one verse at a time.”  I stood at a podium and recited my words. Whew. My fear was still there but getting weaker like my 4th grade bully every time I stood up to her.

Round 3: The true test of my conviction. I was co-facilitating with our new CFO and the class was full of senior-level controllers. Talk about a tough crowd. I almost chickened out. First, I pictured them as the goblins who owned the Wizarding Bank in Harry Potter. That did not help so I shifted to the colorful little trolls with big hair. Harmless and loveable. The mental image helped relax me just enough to push forward.  I did it, still spoken word but this time with a little more rhythm and head nodding. I did not die. In fact, I got a round of applause.

This was the fuel I need to keep going. It was not pretty or quick. But each time, I added a bit more – a rap beat background music, ditched the podium, added some signature dad-style dance moves. Eight performances in, spurred on by another executive co-facilitator, I donned a velvet black bedazzled backward baseball cap with sunglasses. After a stellar performance I had my first standing ovation. The knockout punch.

It was an empowering evolution motivated by the commitment I made to myself. I’m forever grateful for the people who encouraged and held space for me and the managers who cheered for me. Yes, there were plenty of laughs, but people were laughing with me, not at me. In my mind, I became a role model, helping to inspire managers to get out of their comfort zone and grow their capacity beyond what they thought possible.

What I learned – fear is real and strong. It’s paralyzing and limits our full expression. It’s personal. Awareness is half the battle. After this experience, the fear of being rejected or laughed at diminished, and the fear of regrets and not having the courage to make my ideas happen became too great to ignore. I started acting with more creative freedom and confidence to take risks. Authenticity is a journey and I keep moving forward.

I thought about this story as I found myself again in the comfort zone afraid of failing. I have been thinking about writing for years. Years. From book ideas to a screenplay to short stories. Sometimes you just have to commit and take that first small step. Now that I have written my first blog, it feels liberating.

“You either walk inside your story and own it, or you stand outside your story and hustle for your worthiness.” Brené Brown.

What does fear look like to you?

When was the last time you were uncomfortable?

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The Manager Rap

One, Two-day class, MAI

Wonder Why?

Shucks, Workloads already sky high

It’s a mandatory training story

BK you see him

Better change that tune to Carpe Diem

Powerful Wizards, Sustainers, Titans, Guardians, Transformers

No this is not a movie

So Groovy, all ya’all leaders move me

All getting results through people

Intel’s saviors

Learning from Failures and Amplifying behaviors

TO: Learn from one Another

In a WAY: Like no Other

So THAT: We come together as managers of our people.

Teaming is a verb, who knew?

My IP just grew!

High performing teams run True Blue

With psychological safety, accountability, failing greatly

What’s our mindset, role modeling a must,

Or distrust, and go down in the dust in disgust.

Inclusion is the Fusion

Avoiding exclusion

Better results as a conclusion

We explored the code, Managing the work environment bestowed,

Our actions could erode…

Trust when in doubt, Reach Out.

Day 2, Today, We’re well on our way

Listen, we’ve got tools to use for Performance, Development, Reward and Recognition

All supporting our Mission

To be the best boss, don’t forget to ask for permission

Focal is hard

Own the message on the card

Do what’s right, shine the light

On meritocracy, and reduce the bureaucracy

Need to listen with Intention

SDFF use it to guide, to self-identify

Be resilient and brilliant

But not to the tune, I’m the smartest in the room

Our ideal self, we need to groom

Our impact is great, don’t hesitate

Need to delegate

Innovate, at a rapid rate

A Manager at Intel already truly great

These tools, like hyper drive,

Now Light Speed, Accelerate!

mic drop