3 Questions to Rethink Your Networking

On any warm, clear summer night back in high school, my closest friends and I could often be found sitting rooftop, basking in the starlight, and asking the most mind-blowing, philosophical questions our teenage brains could muster. I recall one question in particular because my answer was an outlier. What would you do if you were the last human on earth?

One friend would teach themselves how to fly and then take a joy ride in a fighter jet. Another would move into the most enormous mansion they could find and live out their remaining days in luxury, and my foodie friend planned their feast of all feasts savoring every calorie judgment-free.

My answer came immediately, rising from my core with an intensity only truth brings. I would seek out the animals to create a new and better society. Think Planet of the Apes but more inclusive and better robes. It was a compelling vision, albeit one that ignored any natural food chain reality.  

It was a moment of self-realization; connecting with others was part of my being. I needed community, be it human or beast. It became the basis for how I wanted to live my life. To authentically connect with others with a spirit of generosity and curiosity.

This is my networking manifesto in life and career—my secret sauce to creating meaningful relationships and dynamic experiences. I’ve dragged many introverted friends along my journey to make every stranger a friend. Mostly they’ve appreciated it.  

Question #1 – What is my networking manifesto or guiding principles?

In my favorite book about networking, Never Eat Alone, author and coach Keith Ferrazzi describes his approach, “For me, the best thing about a relationship-driven career is that it isn’t a career at all. It’s a way of living. Several years ago, I started to realize that connecting was actually a way of seeing the world. When I thought and behaved in that way, dividing my life between professional and personal spheres no longer made sense. I realized that what made you successful in both worlds were other people and the way you related to them. Whether those people were family people, work people, or friend people, real connecting insists that you bring the same values to every relationship.”

You can take a short-term approach to networking by focusing on who can help you get what you want now. You may get some quick wins, but it’s much harder to sustain a quality relationship. Or you can play a long-term game by investing in people and starting with how can I help? Your generosity will come back to you in ways you never imagined.

You always have something to give. I like to leave each person who has touched me in some way better off: they take away a different perspective, a new idea, an introduction, a helpful resource, something that helps them with what they care about.

One of my mentees role models such generosity. His most significant gift to me is telling me the impact I am having on his career. He articulates the value I bring to him and his appreciation. He has also offered me calligraphy and beginning guitar lessons. And one time, after attending a talk I gave on confidence building, he kindly provided feedback that I had uttered 43 “ums and ahs.” Ok, not what I was expecting. After a pause for reflection, I was able to see it as a valuable gift. I thanked him and said it was a growth area for my presentation skills. It was a good test of my own confidence because years ago, receiving constructive and even helpful feedback would trigger my defenses and a very nasty stress response. His feedback and my response validated that the internal work I’ve done to build confidence has been the best investment I could ever make - getting comfortable in my own skin and being able to receive all gifts with the positive intention they are given.

Question #2 - Am I leveraging my relationships? 

In the book How Women Rise, Break the 12 Habits Holding You Back, authors Sally Helgesen and Marshall Goldsmith share an insight addressed to women but can be applicable across gender lines: Habit #4 Building Rather than Leveraging Relationships. “While women are often stellar relationship builders, they tend to be less skilled at leveraging relationships. Or maybe not exactly less skilled, but rather noticeably reluctant to do so… we see talented, hard-working women who rebel at the very thought of engaging others to help them meet either specific or long-term career goals. They’ll gladly spend time and energy getting to know people, offering them help, listening to their problems, giving advice, and drawing them close. But they shrink at the prospect of engaging them in a way that furthers their own ambitions.”

I know many leaders who excel at servant leadership and developing people, going out of their way to lend a helping hand and contribute to the success of others. But when it comes to asking for help, they shy away. Maybe they fear being seen as needy or feel uneasy giving up some control. When we do this, we are missing out on giving people the opportunity to help us. Relationships are stronger when there is reciprocity.

I was introduced to Pati by a mutual connection who thought we needed to meet over our shared passion for leadership development. Little did he know just how much of a creative spark our meeting would generate. I was blown away by her infectious energy, enthusiasm, and expertise. So much so, I convinced her to take a short-term role on my team focused on leadership engagement and culture activation. After a successful assignment, Pati decided to pursue a career transition into leadership and learning, and I was able to help her articulate her leadership capabilities and transferrable skills. She got the job! Fast forward a year later, Pati tells me about a new opportunity on her team and says I would be a perfect match. Without her nudge and encouragement, it would not have hit my radar, and I would not be in my dream job today.

Question #3 - Who am I missing that could help me grow?

You likely have built a basic network to support your career, consisting of several mentors, a sponsor if you’re lucky, advocates of your work, business or industry connections, mentees, and friends. If you’ve been more intentional, you’ve added a coach, maybe a cheerleader, a problem solver, and even a possibility thinker.  

Your network does not need to be that large. In fact, most of us don’t have the capacity to maintain an extensive network. I advocate for a small, intentional network focused on personal growth and goal achievement. Be strategic and think outside the typical “board of directors for Company You.”.

Here are three groups of people to consider adding who could have an exponential, meaningful impact on your success and fulfillment.

1.     Goal network. List out your top 2-4 goals, and then map out 2-3 people who can help you achieve each goal. Prioritize and nurture these relationships by making time to connect regularly, using your calendar for reoccurring meetings or touchpoints. Look for ways you can help further their goals as well. Don’t forget to show appreciation and generosity and include them in celebrations when a goal is achieved.

2. Challenge network. This comes from one of the best books I read last year that gave me a fresh perspective on learning and embracing reality with an open mind. In Think Again, Adam Grant writes, “Rethinking depends on a different kind of network: a challenge network, a group of people we trust to point out our blind spots and help us overcome our weaknesses. Their role is to push us to be humble about our expertise, doubt our knowledge, and be curious about what knowledge we don’t have. The ideal members of a challenge network are disagreeable — critical, and skeptical. They’re fearless about questioning the way things have always been done and holding us accountable for thinking again.” I challenge you to build your own challenge network.

3.     Authenticity circle. These are people who give you permission to be free, unleashing dreams, big ideas, confidence, and authentic living. These are people that see you for who you truly are, free from limiting beliefs. My advice is to have at least one or more people you can wholeheartedly be yourself around. No covering, masking, holding back, and no fear of judgment. Just be yourself, sharing your wants, needs, and thoughts. It’s not family. We love our families, but they come with history and expectations. If you want to take this to a higher level, google authenticity circles. You will discover various community offerings for circles you can join, focusing on authentically relating with other people for connection and support. If that’s your jam, go for it!

I found my authenticity circle on Saturday morning group long runs while marathon training back in 2008. With a no headphone policy, there were only the thoughts in your head and conversation with fellow runners. The 10–20-mile training runs took all my energy, leaving none left over to shield my inner thoughts and filter what came out of my mouth, including a few too many swear words.  I made several friends, including a pace group leader who caught my attention early on. He eschewed mojo with a big smile, a kind heart he wore on his sleeve, and fire tattoos burning up his legs. I nicknamed him Flame Boy. I switched pace groups for the sole purpose of getting to know him. We had some of the rawest, most intense, and funniest conversations. Despite running in the rain, smelly sweat, and peeing in porta-potties, it was the highlight of my week. Three years later, I felt joy at my wedding, looking out at these runners and life-long friends after Flame Boy officially announced my partner and me, husband and wife.

Networking has elevated my career and enriched my life. I can’t imagine living any other way. I hope you’ve gained a new insight, got a fresh perspective on networking, or perhaps I lit a spark, and you’re already crafting your new connection pick-up line. Don’t overthink it. At work or play, you can never go wrong starting with a smile and friendly hello.