How To Wade into Vulnerability
“You are so vulnerable and brave,” I often hear after openly sharing my stories and personal life lessons. When I reply, “You can be too!” I usually get an emphatic, “Oh no, not me. I could never.”
But yes, you can be vulnerable.
I’d love to say I do it for the benefit of others. I do appreciate hearing when people make a connection or get an insight. But honestly, I do it for my own mental wellness. Constantly worrying about what other people think is exhausting. I have wasted too many years trying to please others and avoid feeling judged.
Naturally, I am not an open person, and I did not wake up one morning and declare myself healed from all real and perceived criticism and judgment. I wish it were that easy. Instead, I suffer like many people to navigate my limiting perceptions, false assumptions, and a whole bunch of negative self-talk. At times, I feel immense pressure to manage my outward persona, bringing back memories of high school insecurities and not being part of the “in crowd” because I had to shop at thrift stores.
I believe in taking small steps, inching closer and closer to vulnerability. I challenge myself to share more of my authentic being, setting the intention to increase my self-awareness and rewriting my internal narratives to be more positive and motivating. I compare it to learning to swim. One day, you get in the water and splash around. Next, you might submerge and practice blowing bubbles. Slowly you add more techniques and grow your ability and comfort level over time.
If you are ready to get wet, here are four stages to take you from the shallow end to the deep end of vulnerability.
Stage 1: Turtle. Get in the water.
The goal is to open yourself up to express more love, kindness, and generosity.
Many years ago, I volunteered as a Girl Scout Troop Assistant Leader to an exceptional and unique group of girls in the foster care system. The troop provided a consistent experience and connection that gave them some stability when they lived with so much instability. Every week, they were picked up, driven to the session, served dinner, supported during the activities, and then driven home. Each girl touched my heart. I wanted to solve their problems, improve their lives, and be their savior. Over time, I realized this was selfish and benefitted my ego. The girls needed someone to show up every week and support them being a kid, doing normal kid activities. I learned to express love in a way they truly needed. Letting go of my agenda and being there in a helpful way was my first step toward vulnerability.
Suggested actions you can take:
· Practice an act of kindness every day.
· If you love someone, tell them or show them in a way that is meaningful to them.
· Keep a gratitude journal and give thanks often.
· Ask for help and receive it graciously. Give people the opportunity to help you.
· Allow yourself a good cry. Watch The Notebook, Brokeback Mountain, If Beale Street Could Talk, or the first 20 minutes of Up if you need assistance.
Stage 2: Otter. Splash around and play.
The goal is to do something for no other purpose than having fun, regardless of the audience. Learn how to have fun and not fixate on what other people might think.
As a hockey fan, I fancied playing the sport but always talked myself out of it. I was not an athlete. I didn’t know how to ice skate. I would look silly. My list of reasons was long. Until one day in 2006, I got inspired watching Canada win Olympic Gold and Hayley Wickenheiser win tournament MVP. I adopted a new motto: “Be like Hayley, eh’.” Hayley wouldn’t sit around making excuses. So, I decided to take the first step and signed up for beginning ice skating lessons. That led to buying the entire arsenal of hockey gear and endless hours practicing with YouTube videos getting every piece on the correct body part. (If you’re curious, there is an athletic cup for females, but it’s a pelvic protector called a jill.) Then I joined an adult beginner hockey league and had a blast every week. Our league was asked to do an exhibition match at a Portland Winterhawks game during a period break in front of 10 thousand fans. I overcame my fear of humiliation and reframed it as an opportunity to role model having fun and picking up a new sport regardless of age and ability. I relished in my 15 minutes of limited fame with 5 minutes of ice time, one assist, and one stumbling, accidental body check.
Suggested actions you can take:
· Try playing pickleball; everyone is raving about it!
· Pick up a forgotten hobby or start a new one.
· Do something creative with no criteria for the outcome– art, dance, music, literature, or design.
· Have a confidence-building theme song or two that you can play in your head anytime.
· Dance like everyone IS watching. Be a leader or a first follower like the dudes in this video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fW8amMCVAJQ.
Stage 3: Seal. Start to swim.
The goal is to experiment and test the waters. Name your feelings. Sit with them. Get to know them like cherished, trusted friends.
I am a caregiver in the sandwich generation, providing care to my young, neurodiverse daughter and my aging mom, who suffers from multiple chronic diseases. They both have needs that are often hard to plan around and sometimes arise simultaneously. Recently I had a rough week. I was unsuccessful in navigating several health referrals and finding available providers for my daughter, and I also spent five hours with my mom at urgent care. I found myself getting sucked into feeling overwhelmed, worried, frustrated, and tired. This time I sat with those feelings, sitting in the middle of everything while watching my life activities revolve around me. This meditation proved insightful. Once I acknowledged my feelings, a sense of peace and calmness came over me. I had moved into a state of patience, clarity, and resourcefulness. Being in touch with my feelings doesn’t weaken me; it powers me and allows me to be a strong support for my loved ones.
Suggested actions you can take:
· Reflect daily on how you are feeling using the feelings wheel: https://feelingswheel.com/
· Next time you mess up, take a bow.
· Tell someone when they hurt your feelings using an I statement, “When you do X, I feel….”.
· Share a story about a time you learned something the hard way.
· When you start to judge others, stop, and unpack it.
· Become a better listener by listening to understand. Are you really listening or just waiting to talk?
Stage 4: Dolphin. Dive into the deep end.
“The cave you fear to enter holds the treasure you seek.” Joseph Campbell.
The goal is to enter the cave.
I have a family member who spent considerable time in prison. Calling this disruptive to my family is a grave understatement. Not only did my family have to cope with his absence, but each person also grappled with what it meant to them personally. There’s loss, guilt, grief, humiliation, shame, sadness, anger, frustration, and desperation. And let’s not forget loneliness. Lonely because of the person’s continued absence and lonely because you don’t talk about it. No one talked about it. We kept it bottled up inside like talking about it would somehow incriminate us in the crime and shine a spotlight on the relentless shame that had taken over every crevice of our bodies.
My innermost circle of friends knew. For years, I was too ashamed to tell anyone else. Usually, I avoided the subject and never disclosed details about this family member. Over time, the stress grew too heavy. I could feel it radiating throughout my veins like snake venom. The self-imposed burden was killing me slowly. I had to get it out. So, I began to talk about it. If I was asked about my family in a supportive setting, I shared the facts. I felt liberated and soon discovered a community. Several people opened up about their similar family situations. When we are vulnerable, we create psychological safety, giving others permission to shed their burdens.
Suggested actions you can take:
Ask and reflect:
· What am I hiding?
· What am I trying to protect?
· What would happen if I removed the protective armor?
· Who can I help in sharing my story?
The cave of vulnerability may seem dark and lonely, but once you turn on the light, you discover you are not alone. Instead, you are surrounded by caring people who can relate and feel connected because you share a piece of yourself.
