I Rant About Workplace Bullying

I have experienced bullying behaviors at work. I know I am not alone. I hear your stories too. Bullying is an often-overlooked threat to our mental health, team performance, and to creating a psychologically safe environment where we can be our whole selves. And it sucks.

Although I have experienced such behaviors multiple times, one incident stands out above the rest. I had residual emotions about it that I had pushed aside, never fully addressing its impact on me. It was time to bring them to the forefront and unpack my lingering thoughts and feelings. Writing is one method that can be used to heal from trauma and other difficult experiences. As the author, we are empowered to recall the story from our perspective, letting emotions and narratives flow. As I sat down to write, my audience became clear. It was not to the offender. I wanted to speak to the bystanders. I had something to say to those who bore witness and did nothing.

Warning – this may trigger an emotional response.

Dear Leaders Who Sat Quietly By,

Dear Leaders who sat quietly by, in a front-row seat to my distress, passively witnessing, yet taking no action, where were you? Were we even in the same room? Experiencing the exact moment? Did you lack awareness, or was such treatment so prevalent that you were numb to the hurt and humiliation unfolding in front of your eyes? Either way, I am angry with you. You, who had the power bestowed upon your leadership level and me in my weakened state, several pay grades lower, wondering what the hell just happened.

I’m sure I am not the first person this has happened to, nor the last. But I was left to suffer a common fate alone while you watched and did nothing. Where was your courage, your integrity, your decency? Neither oblivion nor apathy gives you a pass.

I know you work for her, but you also work for the company. The company that made most of you VPs. We, the people, the most precious assets, need servant leaders, not those who merely serve their leader. Servant leaders are focused on empowering and uplifting those around them, not knocking them down, helping instead of commanding, showing humility instead of brandishing authority. 

I am tired of hearing excuses for behavior deemed ineffective and damaging decades ago. She who shall not be named is brilliant and charismatic, so you say. You overlook the Jekyll and Hyde personality that can flip in an instant - unpredictable, causing fear and instability in others. What did you do when it happened to you, which I’m sure it did? Did you sit quietly and take it? How did you feel? First, were you angry like me and then sadly succumbed to indifference over time?

You watched me approach the center of the room, excited to share an update on the planning for the upcoming leadership summit. I expected a quick, straightforward report out. I was blindsided when it happened. So trivial the nature, but devasting in the result. I must have looked like a deer in headlights, frozen in place and confused about what to do next. In an instant, Hyde emerged. Rage. Scorn. Disdain.

I can’t recall what she said. The verbiage never solidified in my memory. But how she made me feel is SO crystal clear. The aftermath of being spit on, knocked down, and kicked aside. I felt shocked, humiliated, and determined not to let you see me cry. The wise Maya Angelo knew, “…people will never forget how you made them feel.”

When her rant finally ended, she moved on…and so did you—a mean-spirited ghosting right in front of my face. Your eyes averted mine as I crawled back to my seat near the door. You sat in silence, pretending nothing happened. WTF?

I should have stood up then and held my own leadership intervention. “What kind of leaders do you want to be? Do you want to kick me to the ground and rule with fear and humiliation, or do you want to inspire, motivate, and challenge me to be my best? Oh, Dear Leaders, what do you choose?”

My body now sitting up tall, my head raised, the anger has diminished and, in its place, sadness for you and the leaders you could have been. I rise from my seat like a fighter who won’t stay down and walk out the door. I am stronger, and within me, the power to decide what I take and what I leave behind.

So Dear Leaders who sat quietly by, I am not angry anymore. I am hopeful. Hopeful that you, too, eventually found your inner power, unsilenced your voice to uplift others, and became the servant leaders we, the people, needed you to be.

The end.

As I wrote this letter, I didn’t know how it would end. Surprisingly, I found myself hopeful, regaining my agency and owning my story. Writing about it was a helpful process to acknowledge my power and internalize the immense commitment I feel toward advocating for others and putting an end to bullying behaviors.

The leaders I addressed in my letter are gone, shuffled off to other companies, or retired. But other leaders, unfortunately, practice the same unacceptable behaviors or allow them to exist.  Leaders at all levels need to quit being bullies. They need to treat people with dignity and respect. Period. The brilliant bully who creates fear and shuts down constructive dialogue should not be protected.

No one should suffer from workplace bullying. Each of us can be the supportive person that I did not have. When you see it, take action. Here are four steps you can follow:

1.     Immediately defuse the situation. Use your voice to bring awareness, show support, and create psychological safety for all.

2.     Offer support to the person being targeted.

3.     Report the incident to Human Resources.

4.     Be prepared, so you are confident to act when it happens: Bystander to Upstander Training and 6 steps to take if you see workplace bullying.

If you experience bullying behaviors in the workplace:

1.     Know you are not alone.

2.     Tell someone and ask for help: your manager, 2nd-level manager, HR partner, or a trusted peer.

3.     Please report it to Human Resources or through your company’s ethics and compliance program.

4.     Learn strategies. Take steps to confront the bully if you feel safe. Read “What to do when you are bullied at work.”

5.     Take care of yourself. Being a victim of bullying can impact your physical and mental well-being. Seek available resources on how to remain healthy and deal with the emotional impacts of bullying.

6.     Consider writing about it. Read Harvard Business Review’s “Writing Can Help Us Heal from Trauma” by Deborah Siegel-Acevedo.

To the bullies, if you continue to treat people poorly, know it’s not going to end well for you. Employees and peers will leave you like a tipped-over porta potty. And someone might write a blog about you.